Facing the Sun

Following is an excerpt from Corinne's testimony given this weekend at SCC's ladies camp given during a session about Sunflowers and "Facing the Son". When she gets her act together and writes a blog, I'll post the link here. Until then, she is a welcome guest! ~Donna

...A little while after the birth of my third child – my longed for and prayed for daughter – I heard of a missionary couple serving overseas that had lost an 18 month old toddler. He passed away in his sleep with no warning and no pre-existing medical condition. Something inside me snapped and I decided that I wasn’t going to trust a God, who would do this to a ‘good’ couple serving Him, with my child – especially since I’m not as ‘good’ as a ‘missionary’! I told Him in no uncertain terms that He wasn’t having my daughter and I was reneging on the dedication to Him of my boys too. I had a crisis of belief where I questioned everything I had been brought up to believe. I felt like I was just waiting for something terrible to befall me because my life so far had been pretty much devoid of tragedy and surely the Son couldn’t shine on me forever.

There followed a time of great loneliness and depression – To the casual observer I was fine, but I’m a great faker let me tell you. It wasn’t til a good friend of mine saw through all that and sat me down and wouldn’t leave til I told her what was wrong with me that I finally broke down my barriers and told her where my head and heart were at. I was subsequently diagnosed with post-natal depression after she forced me to see a doctor!

God graciously allowed several wonderful godly women in my life to help me and encourage me while I was recovering from depression, but then in His wisdom, He slowly tore them away from me in one way or another. I suppose I could have chosen to be angry at Him for this all over again, but I know where not trusting Him got me last time… Not to say that I’m not sad, and that I just love all these changes etc, but I know that I really needed to draw closer to Him and to turn to Him instead of my friends.

I definitely believe that good friends are a gift from God, and our relationships with ‘our girls’ are extremely important, but when we are choosing to pick up the phone first and pray second (if at all), that’s when we can get into trouble. So while I’m learning this I’ve been trying to find ways to have a real friendship with God. One of the most important things I’ve found is that dreaded phrase ‘Quiet Time’. If I’ve heard it once, I’ve literally heard it a thousand times – “you need to have quiet time with God every day!!!” What a chore!! However, I think what we need to realise is, if you have time to chat to your girlfriends everyday, it really shouldn’t be that hard to have a chat to the greatest friend of them all!!

What works for one person won’t work for another, so you really have to figure out what suits you. For me, I signed up to an email newsletter that sends me through a short story and application, plus some applicable bible verses, from a group of awesome women, who seem to be struggling along in everyday life just like me, with the very issues I have. It’s such a habit now to get up every morning and check my inbox for those little words of encouragement and to spend a few moments with my best friend chatting and praying and really just ‘hanging’.

I still don’t understand why He lets some things happen. In all reality, I never will. But I do know that he sees the big picture. And I also know that He’s more concerned about my holiness than my happiness. So just because I think life should go a certain way, doesn’t mean it’s in my best interest. I’m still on this journey with the Lord; I’m still figuring it all out. In fact one of my favourite bible verses sums it up nicely –

“I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do, forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on towards the goal, to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 3: 13-14).

I don’t know what the future holds, and even if some tragedy is just waiting round the corner for me, I know I can do all things through Him who strengthens me and I choose to trust The Lord. I choose to face the Son.

Corinne